Ok now that i have typed a lot of gyan which may seem out of context so i better quote the mail ..once you read what's in the mail and re-read what's written above it may make a lot more sense. I hope it helps ..not just the readers but also myself. Afterall mastering someting does require practice and reminding.
this is the mail.
How to Heal Relationship Problems : By-Krishnaraj Dasaji
When having relationship problems, you need to actually start opening up to yourself, because there is a very major part of ourselves that we're not aware of. What we have failed to see about ourselves is a major portion of our lives, and that has to be unveiled and has to experienced.
People also must know that they're not being subjected to a punishment or some kind of mental torture. It is more like a healing process to help them. This knowledge can help you to actually experience the whole process without resisting or fighting it.
Every time you go through a relationship problem, you actually get to see more of yourself. It's not that you're getting to see something about the other person, you're only getting to see that side of you that is hurt, that which wants love, which wants attention, which cannot forgive, which's not accepted, which feels rejected.
It is these things that you are getting to see about yourself when going through a relationship problem. It is something that you have to process through, otherwise how long can this be kept swept under the carpet--how long can this be suppressed? You have to let Divine Grace put you through this. Please know full well that you are not being judged or condemned by the Divine when you're being put through such a process. You are only being helped. This is a healing process to help you grow in relationship with the Divine, and grow in love and joy. As you start accepting all this within yourself, you are truly finally accepting the other person also. All of us tend to think that talking with the other person, or reasoning with them, or applying some principle is going to help us. That is not the truth. You can only know and accept the resistance you have to that relationship.
When you say you have a relationship problem, please understand that you are not having a problem with the relationship or the other person; you are only having a problem within yourself. You are only having a problem accepting all this reality about yourself--that you may be a person who craves attention, who has still not forgiven, who feels guilty about your past, or who is unable to stop hating someone, etc.
The other person is immaterial, and who he or she is isn't what is making you uncomfortable. How you experience him or her within you is the cause of your relationship problem. And that is what has to be experienced. So in every crisis you are only getting to see more of yourself. It has nothing to do with the other person.As you start facing the truth of your own resistance; it starts the melting of it under the heat of your awareness.